Most experienced leaders know what good leadership looks like.
If you asked a group of leaders what makes someone good at leading people, you’d probably hear similar things: listen, communicate well, give feedback, build trust, empower people, have the difficult conversations and lead by example.
We know all of this.
So why do we still get it wrong?
Because knowing how we should lead and actually doing it, particularly when we’re under pressure, are two very different things.
It’s easy when things are going well
Most of us can be the leader we want to be when things are going to plan.
It gets harder when:
- a client is unhappy
- the numbers aren’t where they need to be
- someone challenges a decision you’ve made
- a deadline is looming
- you’re tired, stretched or simply have too much on your plate
Those are often the moments when our natural behaviours take over.
The leader who believes in empowering their team suddenly starts taking control.
The leader who says they welcome challenge becomes defensive when someone disagrees with them.
The person who prides themselves on being a good listener starts interrupting because they want to get to the answer more quickly.
None of that means they don’t believe in good leadership.
It just shows there can be quite a gap between what we believe and what we actually do.
And that gap is worth paying attention to.
What is it actually like to be led by you?
This is a question we come back to a lot at D3.
Not:
“Am I a good leader?”
But:
“What is it like to be led by me?”
They sound similar, but they’re very different questions.
The first asks for our opinion of ourselves.
The second asks us to think about our impact on somebody else.
And the two don’t always match.
There can be a real difference between what we intend and what others experience:
- You think you’re giving someone autonomy. They experience you as distant.
- You think you’re being decisive. They experience you as shutting down discussion.
- You think you’re helping by stepping in. They experience it as a lack of trust.
- You think you welcome challenge. They’ve learned to be careful about disagreeing with you.
That’s where feedback becomes so important
We need human data too
We recently wrote about the value of human data.
Businesses are surrounded by data and we rely on it to tell us what’s working and what isn’t.
Leadership should be no different
If somebody tells you that when you’re under pressure you stop listening, that’s useful data.
If someone tells you they don’t challenge you because they’re unsure how you’ll react, that’s useful data too.
It doesn’t automatically mean their interpretation is completely right, but it gives you something to be curious about.
And curiosity is important because the more senior you become, the harder honest feedback can be to come by.
People can become more careful about what they tell you. They soften things. Sometimes they say nothing at all.
So leaders have to work harder to find out what it is genuinely like to be on the receiving end of their leadership.
Leadership development has to go beyond knowing
There will always be a place for leadership models, theories and frameworks. They help us understand ourselves and give us a common language.
But knowing the theory doesn’t necessarily change what you do when the pressure is on.
For us, this is where leadership development gets interesting.
Put someone in a situation where they don’t have all the answers, where they have to rely on other people, where something doesn’t go to plan or where they receive feedback they weren’t expecting, and you start to see something different.
You see the behaviours people naturally reach for.
And once you can see them, you can start working with them.
This is one of the reasons experiential development is such an important part of our approach at D3. It isn’t about putting people through difficult experiences for the sake of it.
It’s about giving leaders the opportunity to notice themselves:
- How did I react?
- Did I really listen?
- Did I make space for other people?
- Did I take over?
- What happened when I didn’t know the answer?
- What impact did my behaviour have on everyone else?
These aren’t questions that always have comfortable answers.
But that’s often where the learning is.
Closing the gap
None of us gets leadership right all the time.
The aim isn’t perfection.
It’s awareness.
Being able to notice when there’s a gap between the way you want to lead and the way you’re actually showing up.
Then being willing to do something about it.
That takes feedback. It takes reflection. Sometimes it takes a bit of discomfort.
And it takes curiosity.
Because perhaps one of the most useful questions any of us can ask ourselves as leaders is simply:
What is it like to be led by me?
The answer might tell us far more than another leadership model ever could.
Know yourself. Know others. Stay curious.
Jo Hayes, Executive Coach